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The Craigslist Rebuild

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My father always wanted a Corvette. He located a “low-mileage” barn-find 1984 C4 on eBay several years ago for about $5,000. The seller's description included the red flag warnings of “ran when parked” and “new exhaust and tires.” I don’t know many people who park good vehicles in barns to be covered by bird droppings and chewed up by mice.   Of course, Dad bought it before realizing it had a crossfire injection manifold, which might be the worst fuel delivery system in the history of the American bowtie. I guess the “Heartbeat of America” ate Five Guys seven nights a week and smoked several packs of Camel non-filters a day. Its legendary race-inspired eight-cylinder engine produced an astounding 130 horsepower to the wheels on SUNY Canton’s Dyno, somewhat less than my four-cylinder Honda Accord.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  When we picked it up, the exhaust looked completely new from five feet away. It wasn’t until I brought it into SUNY Canton’s Automotive Lab that I ...
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What in the Facebook Marketplace is that?

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  When I was younger, I decided that it would be a good idea to use a weed whacker motor on a go-kart.   Younger me only had a vague sense of things like displacement. My entire premise for this abomination was that our Craftsman yard tool had a motor that was vaguely shaped like a V6 engine. My cousin Mike was the one who destroyed my childhood inspiration.  “What, are you an idiot?” he said. “That thing has maybe two horsepower!”  Since I’ve discovered not one, but four different videos with go-karts powered by weed whackers. There are also videos about using them for kayak power, a motorized skateboard, and a bicycle.  This isn’t about YouTube, the wild rides of TikTok, or even my mean cousin – this is a story about Facebook Marketplace. My algorithm is evidently trained to show me the weirdest creations for sale on the platform. Today, while looking for an original, unmolested International Harvester Scout on the Facepages and Craigslists, I was treated with...
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Cyclekarts

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The estimated cost of a Formula One race car is $15.9 million. A competitive IndyCar costs around $3 million. NASCAR cars can cost between $125,000 to $400,000. Even late-model local dirt-track racers in the Dirt Modifieds can cost $420,000.  Looking at the costs, I will likely never be a racecar driver. I can’t even justify the scratch needed to buy a beater for the Norwood demolition derby. My last Amazon order of ball bearings and beauty products was around $100, and I sweated spending that much.    There is a not-so-secret group of enthusiasts who have cracked the cost barrier of racing. Brandon would tell me there is more than just one and then invite me to ride along in an auto-cross race in one of his second-hand Subarus. That’s not the race I’m speaking about, though.    My latest obsession (among many) is with the world of Cyclekarts, where enthusiasts have mastered the formula of combining affordability with accessibility and authenticity.   ...
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It's About Time

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When I was in college sculpture class at SUNY Plattsburgh under Professor Don Osbourne, I built a large broken steel clock. The concept was based on Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Most Incredible Thing” where a clockmaker builds a clock that tells biblical stories when the hours strike to win a competition. Then another guy comes along and smashes the beautifully constructed timepiece. The man who smashed it was deemed the individual who accomplished the most incredible thing. I don’t want to spoil the next part, but we’ll just say that the parable is true to its roots in morality.  My broken clock is now mounted to a concrete slab on display at my home. It appeared in the documentary “Pottytown,”  by Morgan Elliott/Ridge44 Productions. A photo of it by Christopher Lenney appeared on the front page of the Daily Courier Observer.    While researching parables about broken clocks coinciding with the installation of my sculpture, I found several of the following stories...
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Valve Cover Racers

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This article originally appeared in the January-February 2024 edition of the Seaway Cruisers Classic Car Club, Inc. Newsletter.  Ask a Tech – Valve Cover Racers The object of a race is to win. In valve cover racing, going fast is the goal, but looking cool while winning is even better.     Brandon Baldwin invited me to the Seaway Cruiser’s annual meeting and valve cover races at SUNY Canton a few years ago. I was curious, so I attended the event and watched a few of the heats.    The cars are unpowered small vehicles constructed to traverse down a ramp. It’s like the auto-enthusiast version of the Boy Scouts of America’s Pinewood Derby competitions.    I loved the uniquely innovative creations, all brightly painted like little street or rat rods. The creative and sometimes downright weird engineering decisions fascinated me. One racer used CDs as wheels. Another used Tonka truck components. Superfluous spoilers, splitters, and air dams added style poin...
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OK, Farmer

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"OK, Farmer" was originally published in the Seaway Valley Cruisers Classic Car Club, Inc.'s April, May, and June edition newsletter.  Stan came over to help me install new windows and doors at my house. Stan was losing his vision. I didn’t hire him for his eyes. I employed him for his extensive experience.  He put me to work unpacking the new items from the 1,700 square feet of cardboard confinement, and the 986 individual molded Styrofoam corner pieces under his myopic supervision. He critically eyed some of my previous repairs, occasionally grunting and sporadically questioning my decision.  “Why did you build Adirondack chairs out of cherry?” he barked at me.  “It’s what I had,” I answered.  “OK, farmer,” he grunted. “You should have used cedar.”  For Stan, this wasn’t a new criticism of my carpentry. I like to use what I have on hand. Stan hates cherry and I’m not sure why.  He also would get angry if I switched between Torx and Phillips head scre...
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