The Craigslist Rebuild

My father always wanted a Corvette. He located a “low-mileage” barn-find 1984 C4 on eBay several years ago for about $5,000. The seller's description included the red flag warnings of “ran when parked” and “new exhaust and tires.” I don’t know many people who park good vehicles in barns to be covered by bird droppings and chewed up by mice.

 

Of course, Dad bought it before realizing it had a crossfire injection manifold, which might be the worst fuel delivery system in the history of the American bowtie. I guess the “Heartbeat of America” ate Five Guys seven nights a week and smoked several packs of Camel non-filters a day. Its legendary race-inspired eight-cylinder engine produced an astounding 130 horsepower to the wheels on SUNY Canton’s Dyno, somewhat less than my four-cylinder Honda Accord. 

I’m getting ahead of myself. 

When we picked it up, the exhaust looked completely new from five feet away. It wasn’t until I brought it into SUNY Canton’s Automotive Lab that I saw, or was shown, the silver overspray on the chassis. 

We fell victim to the good old Craigslist rebuild. As YouTube sensation Derek Bieri of Vice Grip Garage said, “Brand new. Must have lost the receipts. I think they’re at my mom’s house.” 

I’m not sure how old the tires were. They looked decent and held up well for the duration of my family’s ownership of the vehicle. I’m sure that the previous owner doused them with some dollar-store tire shine before we picked it up. 

It had ill-fitting seat covers covering cracked leather upholstery. Coincidentally, it disguised the car’s painful bolsters. I don't think my 15-year-old could fit in that seat without squeezing their cheeks together. What on earth was GM thinking? Maybe racecar drivers have more petite butts than Corvettes’ target demographic of middle-aged New Balance-wearing men. I’m becoming a part of that demographic, and my posterior isn’t exactly getting any smaller. 

Besides the seat covers, Rust-Oleum rebuilds (the less masking, the better), and Armor All new tires, some Craigslist rebuild tactics include: 

·      Polishing headlights with toothpaste to achieve that short-term showroom shine

·      Power washing the engine bay in combination with spraying fresh orange paint on the engine block to make it appear factory fresh.

·      Clearing engine codes before the sale

·      Dumping cans of Stop Leak and other AutoZone snake oil into the engine. 

Being a photographer, I was interested in the ways people choose to present their rides-for-sale so that they look factory-fresh. These include parking the car in the shade to hide paint imperfections and taking photos from angles that hide dents, scratches, and rust. These are more clever sales decisions than outright lies, but I do work in marketing. 

As for the Corvette, after cruising around in it for a year, my father set to restore the interior and chipping paint, so that means it’s sitting at his garage/warehouse on flat tires with a dead battery. We put on chrome Edelbrock valve covers, and I used the old ones to make valve cover racers. Maybe we can scuff-sand the peeling clear coat and hit it with some rattle cans if we decide to relist it on the Facepages or the Craiglists. 

1984 Corvette. Ran when parked. I was going to restore it, but I lost interest. Needs battery and tires. Recently detailed. Fresh paint. More than $500 invested in restoration. $2,000 firm. Will consider trading for a dirt bike and a case of Labatt’s Blue. No low ballers. I know what I’ve got.